New doctor. New outlook.

I went to my new cardiologist earlier this week. He's so different from my last doctor. He will sit there and explain everything to me, like he has all the time in the world for me. I really appreciate that.

So anyway... I'm being told that my CHF may be what is referred to as "post term heart failure." Which means my body just had a hard time dealing with the excess fluids during my pregnancy. It can take 6-9 months to heal. Which means get better. Which means... no more CHF. This summer, they will run more tests on me to see if this has actually weakened the heart at all. My BNP of 598 apparently wasn't that bad to this doctor. He usually sees patients with a BNP of over 1000. And an ejection faction of 40% isn't too shabby either. (It's supposed to be around 50-60%) So, it's a relief that I'm not as sick as everyone was making me out to be. ALSO... if the tests show that there is no weakening of the heart, I will be able to seriously consider a second child. Thank goodness.

I'm off the lisinopril that was causing the aweful coughing. Now I've doubled up on my coreg. They say it'll make me dizzy, but I'm not noticing anything. I've been feeling off balance for the past year bc of the pregnancy anyway.

Also, my daughter, Madelyn, has started giggling. There is nothing better in the world than hearing a baby's laugh. I love her so much. Her cheeks are getting chapped from me kissing her so much.

I'm so utterly PISSED at my cardiologist's office. Okay, so I gain 7 pounds in two days. NOT GOOD for CHF patients. But does my doctor want to see me? NOPE! He actually cancels on me. CANCELS!! His staff is saying that there are no appointments for me in the near future. Then WHY won't they just let me schedule an appointment for the not so near future? They've been discussing this with the doctor since Friday. And I'm not getting SHIT from them. This is not acceptable. They actually couldn't find my chart when I called them this morning. "We have a really large office." Yeah, I'm aware of that. Which is why I'm thinking I need to go elsewhere. (Yes I'm a bitch when it comes to my doctors. If I weren't I'd be dead three times over.) I'm going to look up doctors in the area that take my insurance and make an appointment. I can only imagine the BLISS of calling my current cardiologists office to tell them they need to send my chart to a differnt doctor. ANY THEY BETTER NOT BE LOSING IT!!

I'm NOT DYING!!

I had a rare night out last night. I always feel guilty for leaving my husband alone with the baby. Usually when my parents take the little one, my husband and I stay home to go to bed early and sleep in. (Ah... the small things in life!) But last night I said "Self... you never socialize anymore. You are starting to look like a sociopath." So I went out to kareoke with some friends from highschool... and also friends that I've known since my first job back in 1996.
I now remember why I never go out anymore. First, I'm appreciative of the guys who hit on me. That always make a married women who still hasn't lost her pregnancy weight feel pretty darn good about herself. But the guy who insisted on buying me a drink and wouldn't take no for an answer really needed to BACK OFF! You see, CHF patients CANT drink alcohol. It messes up the fluid and electrolytes... which are usually already sensitive. Not to mention, being a recovering alcoholic. But telling these people that I don't drink, just wasn't enough. (Plus, I've also learned telling them that I'm in recovery never helps either. "What's one drink going to do to you?" "You're not really an alcoholic." "Free drinks don't count!") So I went on ahead and told the guy that I had heart failure... and am stablized and really don't want to mess that up. (As I've said in previous posts... I am not very secretive.)
BIG MISTAKE saying this. The guy started hugging me and patting me on the back and trying to kiss me. Tears in his eyes, telling me how sorry he is to hear about that. How brave I am.
GIVE ME A BREAK!! First off, Stop hugging me like I'm in hospice or something. I still have a great quality of life. I'm not miserable here. I'm not handicaped. I can walk across the parking lot. I can't walk up five flights of stairs... but then again, WHY would I want to? Second, how am I brave? For DEALING with what I've been dealt? I've never understood that, being called brave. What was the alternative? Like I didn't break down when I was told? Like I'm not on a TON of mood stabilizers? Like I don't look at my daughter and somewhat resent her. (I know... it's aweful. Its so dark. To think this baby that I've wanted so much, and I kinda resent her.)
I wish i WASNT SO ANGRY.

A Bad CHF day

Having CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) sucks. Duh, right? I hate having to watch my salt intake so much. I hate not being able to eat mac n' cheese, and pretty much ANY convience food. I also miss coffee. I used to be a Starbucks barista. Trust me, I reeeaaaally miss coffee.
What also sucks is when you get all symptomatic again. Like I have lately. CHF has pretty easy symptoms to place. Edema (swelling) to your feet, legs and hands. Tachycardia (high pulse) Hypertension (high blood pressure) and in more extreme cases, difficulty breathing. The passed two days, I've been dealing with edema, bloating, and tachycardia. Sneak that in with the side effects from my heart meds. (Coreg and lisinopril) I'm dizzy, tired, and I've been coughing to the point of vomitting for the passed two months. Grr.
I weighed myself this morning, like every OTHER CHF patient has to... and I was shocked. Holy crap, I gained 7 pounds in 48 hours. HOW did this happen? What did I eat? I had only a spoon full of collard greens last night. (My mother is southern and is superticious that you HAVE to eat them on New Years Day for good luck. I believe her now, because the ONE time I didn't eat them, I got cancer.) I've been trying sooo hard not to eat so much salt. Then I remember... oh darn... I'd been eatting McDonalds this week. NOT every day, mind you. I had a Big Mac on Tuesday and a McGriddle on Wednesday.
My husband insists I HAVE to call my doctor. (Sudden weight gain is no bueno if you have CHF. Weight gain of more than 3 lbs in a 24 hr period is a bad sign) So I call my doctor at 9am and left a message. I got a call back early this afternoon. (Apparently I gave them the wrong phone number to call me back at. Heart meds can also cause "mind disturbances." AKA CHEMO BRAIN) But yah... I'm going on some lasix. (A deuretic) Hopefully this will help things.

Storyboard Background

Howdy! This be my first blog. To sum up why my life is a soap opera, I'll make this a short as possible. At 23, diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. Almost died. That really sucked. 6 months of intense chemotherapy followed by a month of radiation therapy. During this time, I am told I will never be able to get pregnant. I fall into a deep depression. Do a bunch of things with people I shouldn't have been around... lots of regrets. Yadda yadda. Become an alcoholic. (If you CAN just BECOME an alcoholic.) Meet my now husband... who recognizes I'm an alcoholic and starts taking me to meetings. I get sober. I get healthy. We started dating... move in together a year later. Two months after that... I'M PREGNANT. Husband proposes... we decided to have a small wedding a couple months later. One month before wedding, I'm told that it looks like the cancer came back. I'm mortified. Husband loses job because he's taking time off to take care of me. (Would have been FMLA certified in just ONE week. Boooo FTD Commodities. YOU SUCK!) We get married. Find out I don't have cancer. Yah. A month later, I'm told that I have a pre-eclamptic pregnancy. I can't work because I'm put on uber strict bed rest. (And then begins the fight with METLIFE to prove that I'm on bedrest for a valid reason and getting them to pay for stuff.) I have my daughter, Madelyn four months later. I have a heart attack and go into heart failure. And there's my life.

My daughter is two months old now. I'm a newly diagnosed Congestive Heart Failure patient. I'm a veteran cancer patient. Honestly everything really just stems from the cancer. It's either the radiation, the chemo, or the tumor that has ravaged my body. I have the heart of an 80 year old. But what can you do? I still have a pretty decent quality of life. I can still walk. I don't need a handicap sticker on my car. My thought is, my life could end at anytime. But it's not that big of a deal... because anyone's life could end at any time. I'm fortunate to be aware of it. Fortunate because I can enjoy life better. I know what minor things I can just let roll off my back.

If you are reading through blogspot looking for things about lymphoma... feel free to email me. I wouldn't be blogging about my life and medical situation if I were a secretive person. I can do my best to answer any question you may have. My email is AmandaTwait@aol.com