I had a rare night out last night. I always feel guilty for leaving my husband alone with the baby. Usually when my parents take the little one, my husband and I stay home to go to bed early and sleep in. (Ah... the small things in life!) But last night I said "Self... you never socialize anymore. You are starting to look like a sociopath." So I went out to kareoke with some friends from highschool... and also friends that I've known since my first job back in 1996.
I now remember why I never go out anymore. First, I'm appreciative of the guys who hit on me. That always make a married women who still hasn't lost her pregnancy weight feel pretty darn good about herself. But the guy who insisted on buying me a drink and wouldn't take no for an answer really needed to BACK OFF! You see, CHF patients CANT drink alcohol. It messes up the fluid and electrolytes... which are usually already sensitive. Not to mention, being a recovering alcoholic. But telling these people that I don't drink, just wasn't enough. (Plus, I've also learned telling them that I'm in recovery never helps either. "What's one drink going to do to you?" "You're not really an alcoholic." "Free drinks don't count!") So I went on ahead and told the guy that I had heart failure... and am stablized and really don't want to mess that up. (As I've said in previous posts... I am not very secretive.)
BIG MISTAKE saying this. The guy started hugging me and patting me on the back and trying to kiss me. Tears in his eyes, telling me how sorry he is to hear about that. How brave I am.
GIVE ME A BREAK!! First off, Stop hugging me like I'm in hospice or something. I still have a great quality of life. I'm not miserable here. I'm not handicaped. I can walk across the parking lot. I can't walk up five flights of stairs... but then again, WHY would I want to? Second, how am I brave? For DEALING with what I've been dealt? I've never understood that, being called brave. What was the alternative? Like I didn't break down when I was told? Like I'm not on a TON of mood stabilizers? Like I don't look at my daughter and somewhat resent her. (I know... it's aweful. Its so dark. To think this baby that I've wanted so much, and I kinda resent her.)
I wish i WASNT SO ANGRY.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I am angry that there are some stupid states between you and I. I am happy that you got to go out...I don't remember what that is like, but I heard it is nice. Reminds you that you are not just a Mommy! I am glad also that you got hit on, that is really exciting. People just don't understand and they say stupid things to make themselves feel like they are there for you and supportive.
ReplyDeleteI love you for being so honest.